I love talking to strangers.
They’re like little gems that manage to shine light on hidden wisdom that I need to be reminded of right then. On my way home from a recent trip, conversation started between myself and a man in my row, Brandon. We started gabbing about what he did to make a living during which time, he mentioned a fiancée.
Me: Fiancée? How wonderful. When is the big day?
Him: Well, actually, she was killed in a bus accident three months ago while we were vacationing in the Honduras. This is my first work trip since she died.”
Me: Ohhhh.
Long pause.
I could feel all the breath in my body leave me as we suddenly dropped into a very intimate and tender space. He shared his struggles with recovering from such a devastating loss: The daily appointments with rehab doctors for his physical injuries (he was on the bus with her), with two different mental health therapists- one for his grief work and the other to treat PTSD symptoms that were beginning to surface and more recently, with his personal trainer to get back into a physical fitness routine.
He described her as “my perfect partner in life,” and told me the story of how they met. Literally, a love at first sight kinda thing. How they had just bought a house in Del Mar. How much they loved each other…
He told me that on his “bad” days, when he didn’t know why he needed to get out of bed, he had no one whom he could call on to support him through his loneliness, helplessness and overwhelming grief. He said that he has often gotten on the phone with a friend with the intention of asking for help and at the last minute, changed his mind, put on a brave face and said, “Hey man, just calling to say hi. What’s up?”
Me: What keeps you from asking for support?
Him: I don’t know. I don’t want to burden my friends. And they always tell me the same thing anyway, which doesn’t help: “Sorry man, I don’t know what to say.” I don’t want to make them feel bad.
Can you relate to this?
How often have you been a in a place of deep need yet not asked for help? What gets in the way? What are the stories and judgments you have about feeling needy or neediness in general?
Neediness= weakness, plain and simple.
I hear this over and over from my clients.
The above statement is one the most commonly held and destructive beliefs ever. In American society, we grow up with the mentality that supreme self-reliance and indomitable independence are king and queen qualities that describe only the truly strong and successful. That having needs or being needy is a sure sign of personal and moral failure…
Fuck that.
You know what takes true strength and courage?
The ability to ask for help and get your needs met.
And you know I’m not talking about co-dependency. I’m talking about the core needs that we all have above and beyond our basic physical needs.
I’m talking about fundamental Soul needs like:
- Being heard
- Being loved
- Being held
- Being accepted
- Being witnessed
- Being seen for who we really are
Imagine having these needs met. Ahhhhhh.
Now imagine asking for help in getting these needs met. What comes up for you?
The real truth about being needy
Here’s what a wise teacher of mine, Mark Silver, taught me about having needs:
Neediness is the doorway to receiving.
Grok it.
If we make our deep and essential needs enemies of our self-esteem, if we continue to ignore, deny and shame the truth of what helps make us whole, we necessarily limit our ability to receive anything.
Just by naming our needs, we automatically open a portal priming ourselves to receive soul and heart nourishment. When we ask for our needs to be met, we give the gift of shared love and deepened emotional connection. When we can be more open to and open with our neediness, we are more likely to experience the infinite abundance that awaits us.
Learning how to receive without guilt, self-judgment and self-doubt requires practice and patience. Too often, I see my clients give more than they have available to themselves and then end up feeling burned out or resentful over time. It takes trust, emotional maturity and courage to be real about our vulnerabilities. Neediness actually speaks both to our strength and our willingness to receive what we need.
Brandon’s story reminded me just how lonely and frustrating it can be when we try to take care of and do everything ourselves. I think our conversation met soul needs for both of us, my need for meaningful connection and his for being heard and supported.
My wish for you dear Friend is to allow yourself to RECEIVE. To stand up for your needs, claim the right to have your needs met (by yourself or others) and then be willing to receive all that the world has in store for you.
So, what are you ready to receive?
Have Courage,
M.