It doesn’t work to compare yourself to others because you’re comparing your insides to their outsides. Apples and oranges.
–From a conversation with my friend at Keyboard Athletes
Ever thought to yourself, “I’m not measuring up”? Or, “I’m not where I should be”?
The other day I went for a run in my neighborhood. It was a short run, on a gorgeous day with 70-degree weather in the middle of January. As I ran, I noticed my eyes getting wide and my mind thinking things like, “Wow, that house is huge and beautiful. I hope I can have a house like that someday.” “Geez, did you see their amazing garden? Someday, I hope to have something like that.” And my favorite, “That car is AMAZING! I definitely want that someday.”
And the longer I ran, the more downtrodden I began to feel. The “trance of unworthiness” cast its spell and I ran, literally, headlong into some really old stories of what makes me a worthy person.
And it felt like sh*t.
And most of us do this a lot, all day long, every day. You with me so far?
As an Empowerment Life Coach and therapist, I have similar stories about how “evolved” and “empowered” I’m supposed to be in order to be worthy. After all, isn’t this blog called, THE EMPOWERMENT EXPERIENCE?
I work with clients who have told me, “You really seem to have it all together,” or “Someday, I will be able to deal with my life’s challenges as well as you.” And then I laugh out loud, thank them for the compliment and then de-bunk that story as fast as possible.
You see, comparison is a b*tch and it never, ever, ever works to compare yourself to others. As stated at the top of this post, comparing yourself to others doesn’t ever work because you’re comparing your insides to their outsides. Meaning that when you compare your situation, life circumstances, belongings, sense of personal power or whatever to another, you’re only going on the other person’s external expression of themselves, not the whole truth of their journey.
So, if someone wants to appear wealthy, then they can buy all the trappings for that. If someone wants to appear “enlightened” then they can read all the right books, attend all the right retreats and then talk about their breakthroughs. If someone wants to appear “all put together,” then they can share only the things that shine a warm, sepia-toned spotlight on themselves.
Then magic! They seem wealthy, enlightened and like they’ve totally got it together. (Buzzer sounds here.)
Here are the problems with comparing my insides to your outsides:
- If I judge that my insides don’t measure up to your outsides, I’ve just put you on a pedestal and necessarily made myself, “not enough.” And when you’re on a pedestal and I’m below you, we both stand alone.
- If my goal is to make my insides match or live up to your outsides, then I’m following your path instead of my own. I give up the power and beauty of my authentic self-expression.
- This one act creates an enormous amount of unnecessary emotional suffering and disconnects us from a powerful Universal Truth: We are all one. The Buddhists call this the illusion of separateness.
- I don’t get the opportunity to really know who you are apart from your outsides. I not only miss out on the possibility of an amazing connection with you but I also miss out on sharing in your gifts.
Below is a video I stumbled upon about a year ago and it makes me tear up every time. It perfectly captures the last point above. Check it out:
Now, can you imagine what the world will have missed out on if Paul had been judged by his outsides alone? I mean, check out Simon Cowell’s look of utter confusion at 1:48, Simon’s brain was probably comparing what an opera singer “should” look like to what stood before him.
Healing the suffering with RAIN
Below is an excerpt from one of my favorite teachers and authors, Tara Brach, about how to heal not just the emotional suffering that comes with comparing ourselves to others but emotional suffering in general. It is simple yet graceful and powerful.
“The mindful presence that helps release emotional suffering is summarized by the acronym RAIN.
R Recognize – notice what is arising (fear, hurt, etc.
A Allow - agree to “be with it,” to “let it be.”
I Investigate – in a non-analytic way, get to know how the body, heart and mind experiences these energies. You might inquire by asking yourself one or more of the following questions: “What is happening?” “Where am I feeling this in my body?” “What wants attention?” “What wants acceptance?” The “I” is also Intimacy: experiencing difficult sensations and emotions with a direct, gentle, kind attention; and offering compassion to the place of vulnerability.
N Non-identification, or not having your sense of Being defined by, possessed by or linked to any emotion. In other words, not taking it personally! The “N” is also Natural Presence, a homecoming to the loving awareness that is our essence.”
…the loving awareness that is our essence
I just love that part! Before I go, I wanted to give you a writing prompt to play with:
When I accept all of me with loving awareness then…
Please share your thoughts, your insights and what you came up with when finishing the sentence above.
In loving kindess,
M.